She did not answer me, but she had already told me that my condition did not arouse any pity in her heart. Bertha said that if she knew that her plan was displeasing to God, she would not carry it out.

Oh, how struck [I] am, so deeply grieved, how heavy is the hand of God upon me.

Weeping and sighing, hoping and despairing, sometimes contemplating, sometimes thoughtless, I went home. I had often made the walk, often feeling sad and lonely, but this time I felt as if humanity had cast me out of its species and God's grace and long-suffering toward me, a sinner, had come to an end.

( 267 ) April 13th, 1840.
Today my boy, Johann Gottfried Kappler, came to me; I was afraid he would bring Bertha's farewell letter, but that wasn't the case. Br. Teichelmann, who seemed to have some pity for me, had gone to Klemzig in the evening without my knowledge.

April 14th, 1840.
Towards the morning, when I was busy writing a complicated, quiet letter to my dear bride, Br. Teichelmann comes to me and says that he found out yesterday in Klemzig that in my suffering I don't trust in God, but in people, and thereby beat myself. I asked, how so? He said that Mr. Fiedler had told him that I had commissioned Miss Pennyfeather to influence Bertha, which both the latter and he himself took great offense to me. Miss Pennyfeather had said this to Bertha herself, and because she knew it beforehand, she deliberately didn't come on Sunday afternoon.

The pain that this news brought out in me, and the way in which Br. Teichelmann communicated it to me only increased it, was boundless. This also had to be added, such misunderstanding, such misrecognition and what kind of inexorable evil fate, be it from God, be it from men, be it from the devil, what evil star is pursuing me?

( 268 ) By the way, Br. Teichelmann said that based on the impression he got from both Pastor Kavel and Mr. Fiedler, I could only give up all hope, but he didn't want to take away my hope in God. Pastor Kavel would have said that he couldn't advise Bertha to say yes if she didn't love me, as did Mr. Fiedler, who said he had nothing against me, but I shouldn't have left the lessons unattended. His opinion was that by storming Bertha I had only made Bertha more estranged from me.

Oh, what an abandoned, helpless person I am, there is no one to give me a hand, to advise me, to comfort me, to carry me with me.
O my God and Lord, be my rock and my stronghold and do not forsake your weak, beaten child.